So if deciding to flip a house, while still homeschooling two of my three kids and running my little Etsy shop wasn’t enough, I agreed to add self-documentary filming to my plate. We're currently in the middle of filming for an episode of First Time Fixer and I still find myself stopping and thinking...what in the actual world am I doing? Because I’m not allowed to share about the show during filming, I've decided to journal about it privately, to remember the process, every beautiful messy bit of it. Then I will make this blog public sometime after our episode airs, and it can be a fun little trip down memory lane. Here's a little backstory on how this all came about.

As I mentioned in my last post, Dad and I partnered together to flip a house to help me rebuild my family’s savings after having a couple of hard years financially. Literally the day after dad and I agreed that he would train me to do this type of while in this project, I had such a weird moment that was completely out of character for me. I saw a social media ad for a casting call for a first time home fixer show, and applied. Seriously it happened that fast. I didn’t think about it, or research it, or ask Jonny what he thought first. If you know me, you know that is proof that this was a moment of divine intervention, lol, hello Holy Spirit! Being in the spotlight, of any kind, makes me cry and sweat and leak all over. Ok not that bad, but I need you to understand how abnormal it was for me to even fill that form out.

Then, after I had clicked “submit” I thought, oh no, and quickly began researching the show. I didn’t know anything about it. I found out it was with Magnolia Network, yikes, and after watching a couple of older episodes I realized it is mostly self-documented, another yikes.. But I figured oh well, it probably won’t happen, no need to worry any further. However, within a weeks time I had gotten a follow up email, then a phone interview, and a request for Zoom interview. Dad didn't even know I had applied, I figured I wouldn't tell him...unless I had to. Well now I had to, and as Jonny and I talked about the possibility of it all, we both had this gut feeling that it was meant to be, and I should be ready to say yes. Holy Spirit was telling me to say yes to things in this season, and these things were feeling more and more uncomfortable for me.

Now that they wanted a video call with me and Dad I was going to need to share the news with him. My dad is a people person, and being a pastor is used to being in front of a crowd, so I figured he'd be on board and maybe even excited about it. He was shocked! He did that "no way" kind of laugh, I think he thought I might say, “ha, gotcha!” at any moment. He agreed to give it a shot, and we both kinda figured, ah, it probably won't happen anyways. That’s about when nerves started setting in, and I began to wonder if I should just cancel the whole possibility. But, I remembered God was asking me to say YES to things in this season, and so we did the interview.

Dad and I sat in my family room with my laptop, with Jonny sitting across the room smirking the whole time, but I was glad for him to be there. The video interview went good, and next we were asked to do a video tour of our project house. My sister Abby held my phone while we walked around and talked to "nobody" on the phone. That felt real weird, we were so awkward, Lord knows why that right there didn't disqualify us. They pitched the little bit of footage we gave them to the network big wigs (aka Joanna Gaines??) and within a couple weeks I got a call that we were picked, congratulations! “Yay!” Followed by thoughts of “wait what? Oh no…now it's very real, and now I'm very nervous.”

I got a kit in the mail from the network containing phone camera equipment. While I do have a background in photography (and know lighting and composition) I have always avoided being on the other side of the camera. I never [used to] do selfie videos, or instagram stories, or any of that sort of thing. And frankly, it's because I'm so self-conscious and I pick myself apart as vigorously as I picked lice out of my kid's hair last summer, gross I know. Self doubt, insecurity, fear of not belonging...these have been some of the biggest struggles for me. Here I am doing something that is SO against my nature.

The week after next we will have permits to begin working on the the property, and I plan to document here on my blog with weekly recaps. I’ll also start documenting our progress with the cameras. I know this won't be an easy season, but I do hope it will be a good season. I'm happy that this moment in our lives will be documented on film, what a special keepsake for us to share with our family, and when dad is old and reclining his days away (ha, never!) we can watch this and remember this wild time in our lives. Then my grandkids can watch this little peek into our lives someday. I wonder what parts we'll laugh about then. There is so much goodness here...I'm praying I can keep my eyes on the goodness, even on the hard days.

I’ve decided my blog entries here will be focused on the goodness, yes mentioning the difficulties, but not dwelling on them. I'll record the moments I'm grateful for, and while I may be seeing the project through rose colored glasses, I’m purposefully choosing to do so. I believe the more I find the goodness in it all, the happier my heart will be and the healthier my perspective will be. I want a joyful heart and positive attitude that will propel me forward - with hope for my family's future and bigger dreams - because I know dwelling on the failures and insecurities will only tie me to this moment, looking back over my shoulder, instead of onward and upward.

A PAUSE FOR GRATITUDE

Let's start with my dad - he is such a good father, he gives and gives and gives. Here I am almost 40 and I need him as much as I ever did, but in different ways. I'm so thankful to have a good relationship with him, and that we are both healthy, and that we are able to work together...what a sweet memory this will be! Then there's Jonny - he always encourages me to dream bigger, even if he's happy with simple, he listens to my crazy ideas and tells me they’re wonderful. But wow - my Heavenly Father - He is so patient with me. He gently nudges me and shows me mercy when I forget to trust Him, or fail to have hope for my future, or when I wrestle with the same fears over and over. I’m grateful for this time in my life, forcing me to finally conquer insecurities I’ve lived for far too long.